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regine_cokieng
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Name: Regine
Birthday: 11/18/1987
Gender: Female
Interests: reading books, writing poems, eating, watching tv, annoying people, chatting...
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
8/11/2005
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| My grandmother was recently hospitalized because of a fractured bone (I think). Anyway, after falling down for the third time, my mom and my aunts became concerned that something was already wrong because after that third fall, she could barely stand up. When the doctors said she needed an operation, her daughters tried to find the best doctors, the best rooms (well what's available anyway. I remember my uncle commenting why she was given such a small room and my aunt saying that there were very few rooms left) in St. Lukes, which supposedly is the best hospital in the country. Aside from a private nurse, they make sure that at least of one of them are there to take care of her (or at least one of us, her grandchildren). My grandmother is one of the strongest people I know. She was widowed at the age of 30 and left alone to raise 5 daughters. Despite the criticisms she received for not having a son, she tried her best to raise them and give them everything they could possibly need to have a good life when they grew up. My grandmother tried to give them what a traditional Chinese mom would give her son. I understand why our moms just give her so much love and respect (we do love her too of course). Our moms owe what they have to my grandmother. If she wasn't a strong person, they would have been pushed down by the society, unable to finish school. Besides, it's every parent's right that their children love and take care of them when they're old. From the moment that we could understand anything, our moms made sure that we understand and take to heart to meaning of the words love and respect.
It would be so good if all of us could love our parents like this. Unfortunately, that is not the case. There are numerous times when we just watch what's happening outside from the window of our cars without really taking in what we're seeing. However, there are also times when we unknowingly notice what we see. There was a time when I saw an old man, sitting on the floor, struggling to stand. He was thin,dirty and really hungry. But how can he It looked like he was alone too. Then, I remembered my grandmothers. All their children try to give everything they need and could possibly want. They have their "yayas" to assist them in whatever they need to do. If they feel like travelling, they would have no problems about it. I, then, looked back at the old man on the street. The first thing that came to my mind was social injustice. Questions arrived next. Was this old man a parent? If yes, where are his children? If not, where is his family? Why is he alone on the street when he could barely stand? If this old man was a parent, which most of them are, he would probably have lots of children. I remember seeing many other old people on the streets. If this old man is not a parent, some if not most of them were bound to be parents. If they were parents, then why were they alone on the streets, begging for food? Were they bad parents? If they are parents, don't they deserve the love and care our parents give our grandparents? Is there any difference with their being parents and our grandparents being parents? Or are they just more unfortunate of being born poor and not being lucky or strong enough to make their way into society? Questions nd doubts filled my mind. How do they survive the harshness of the streets? In these streets, no one will care for them, heck, no one even cares one whit about them, except for a select few. Haven't they lived a harsh enough life? Questions, questions filled my mind yet are left without any answers. Yes, they are disturbing thoughts. I don't even want to imagine what will happen to them when they have to leave this harsh life. I used to remember my dad saying it doesn't seem fair that the dead of the Chinese-Filipinos have houses (some even have aircon!) to live in while the living Filipinos don't have roofs over their heads. Do the families of these old people know where they are? What will happen to them when they're gone? Will they be remembered by anyone? Or will they just be memories that will never be remembered? Life seems unfair. It makes me wish everyone would have equal chances. Maybe some of them deserved to be on the streets, alone. But I doubt all of them do. Don't they ever get tired of life? Or are they just so used to everything that they don't seem as bad anymore. Or maybe, the reason they were given such a hard life was because God knew they could do it. To live such a long and hard life, really is admirable in some ways.
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| For how many months now, I've been plagued my aunts, asking if I have a boyfriend or even just a suitor. As pathetic as this sounds, I haven't had any suitors or admirers ever since I entered college. I told them this and they couldn't believe that I didn't even have one. At first, I just ignored their comments. I promised myself that I would never let a guy dominate my life anymore. It happened once and look where it got me? Contrary to what people believe, I'm not a man-hater and I'm not against the thought of marriage. I couldn't be this mommy type if I am. I love the notion of having a family. I just promised myself that I wouldn't despire over the thought of not having a love life anymore. Having one is not exactly a piece of cake anyway. I told my romantic side that if it comes then it comes but if not then I will just try to live my life the best way possible. However, the more they ask and the more they comment, the more conscious I get.
I know I'm not a thin girl and I was never really a pretty girl. But I never really cared because if I wanted a guy, I would want him to love me for who I am. I was an idealist. I still believed that there is that someone for each and everyone of us. However, I've never felt uglier in my entire life. I also have never felt so alone. My cousins have even asked my mom about it. While I might not care whether I have an admirer or not, it does hurt one's ego. I haven't been pretty or good enough for anyone for more than half a decade now. I tried complaining to my friends and they all pointed out to me that most of them are still single. This didn't make me feel one bit better. They also said that he will come. If he's there, I know he will come. But what if he doesn't? What if no one is for me? No matter how much I fool myself, I will always be a romantic at heart. I might be a strong person, but I have fears of being alone too. It does seem silly worrying about nothing. Pathetic even. But with college ending and with relatives being so tackless about it, one cannot help but feel helpless about it. I'm an old-fashioned girl, I still believe that a girl could make the first move. Besides, it's not as if I'm liking anyone right now (which makes me even more afraid). I don't know.
There are a lot more things the world should worry about. This is just a petty problem among the gazillion problems other people are facing right now. It's just that this keeps pressing me down. I don't want to lose what little self-confidence I have left. Anyway, happiness is our goal right? I wish us all happiness, no matter how we get it.
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| They say that all people die eventually. You can leave whatever legacy behind but what matters most is how people keep your memories in their hearts. The most important person in my life was my dad. Sometimes, I'm afraid I couldn't love my mom or my sis the way I loved him. He was everything to me. Honestly, 5 years after his death, I couldn't even remember his face anymore. I could look at all the pictures he left behind but I couldn't picture his face on my mind anymore. I could remember bits and pieces of how my daddy was but I couldn't really grasp the entirety of it. I don't have a clear picture of how he used to hug me or hold my hand anymore. At least, I don't know what's real anymore. The only thing I think I remember clearly was my dad holding me close, helping me to stop the tears from flowing all because of my fear for cockroaches. I never thought that there will come a time when I will be grateful that there are cockroaches. If not for that one little cockroach, I would not have that memory etched on my mind. But that might be real as well. I could have just made that up because my memory is all blurry.
They say time heals all wounds. Time will help you forget all the pain. There was a time when one simple thought of my dad could cause my to cry for hours literally. They said, I shouldn't think of him as much anymore. I tried not remembering and now, I might have just forgotten. Is that even possible? That one could forget the most important person in her life? I could disappoint the world but I couldn't bear disappointing my dad. How could I have forgotten my life with him? They seem so far away now.
There are times when I envy his being gone. There are thousands of times when I wished I were in his place. The world is such a twisted place that I hate the thought of living in it for how many more decades (when I'm not even sure if I will have decades). If ever I have children, this is not the world I would like them to live in. However, there are also times when I love him enough to be glad that he's gone. He didn't have to witness all these chaos, all these pain. No one should be witnessing these. They're just too depressing.
Actually, I just miss him. I don't even know why I miss him so much. To tell you the truth, I'm not even sure why he was the most important person in my life ( I even feel guilty cause my mom has sacrificed so much for us and showed us so much love). All I know is that I miss him.
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| It's 2am in the morning and I have no idea what's happening to me. I'm listening to classical music, reading an OR book that I don't even understand and consuming more coffee than I really should. I've been through so much worse. Considering how hell my life was, everything that's happening right now should just be a breeze. It's just amazing how strong we can be when circumstances demand it. I'm not strong though. I pretend to be strong because the world wants me to be strong. To tell you the truth, I'm tired of pretending to be strong (is there a way out?) and congratulations to me, I've just managed to push away most of the people who can really understand me. I know one thing though, people don't like me. I don't expect them to, not when I, myself, can't do that.
*Sometimes, in my insane, unthinkable days, I miss you. I don't want to miss you but I really do...sometimes. I guess I just miss the idea of you.
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| Going to Seoul National University let me see a lot of things that I couldn't see before. It is perhaps the toughest university in South Korea and people would literally die just to go there. I remember the days when my mom would push me to study because she wanted me to get into a good school. I thought what she was doing were just too much. However, my views changed when I went to SNU. They changed already when I passed all the universities but going to SNU made me feel guilty and empty. I would hear some of our friends telling us about their high school experience and it was literally hell. If you think that you're having such a hard time in UP, AdMU or DLSU, then think again. Our experiences are practically nothing as compared to what they were experiencing and perhaps what they are still experiencing.
During their high school years, their mornings start at 7:30 am and school would end 12 hours later. For us, this is too much. Imagine spending 12 hours in school yikes! As if 12 grueling hours is not enough, they have to spend 4-5 more hours in cram school where they have to learn Math and English. Koreans are obsessed with learning English and they want their children to speak good English. This part, I don't really understand. I actually admire how Korea is so non-english speaking. People are forced to study Korean because they want to get around on their own. To be able to really enjoy the country, one must be able to speak Korean. At the start of the sem, we didn't really get to eat in Korean restos without Korean friends because we couldn't speak Korean, we couldn't read their menu (good thing they had english menus in Sokcho or we would have died of hunger haha), in short we couldn't do anything in restos except point on unknown pictures. Plus, it would be easier to bargain if you speak Korean. Imagine getting lost and not knowing how to ask people for directions. Besides, it is unlikely that they will be able to reply to you in english anyway so you won't understand a word. Based on personal experience, they will just ignore you and walk on. Their pride couldn't take the fact that they understood you but they couldn't reply to you. To sum it up, it is crucial that you know some Korean to live in this country. At least know how to read. At least you can use the bus if you know how to read. That is why we were kind of forced to study the Korean language. Anyway, high school students get to go home at 11pm-12mn and after that they still have to study and make their homework. The question here is, do they still have time to sleep? According to my group mate in MFI, Sol Ha: How come you don't have time? Regine: I have lots of homework Sol Ha: How many hours do you sleep? Regine: 5-6 hours. Sol Ha: That is too long. 2-3 hours everyday is enough. Ack! That is just torture. I cannot sleep for just 2-3 hours everyday! I can do that once in a while but everyday is just impossible. This just shows that they've had their training of not sleeping eversince they started high school. Poor kids.
Working hard during high school is all for getting into good schools. The top 3 schools in S. Korea are Seoul National University, Yonsei University, and Korea University. Unlike in the Philippines when we can take the individual exams, Koreans can only take the national exam (like SAT) once in a year. Aside from this, they can only choose 3 schools from 3 different groups (only 1 school from each group). If you feel you cannot pass SNU in that group, then you must choose a not so good school just so you can make sure that you have a university to get into. Yonsei and Korea Universities are in the same group so they must choose 1 between the two. It only means that if you do bad in that test then you're screwed. It's either you have to spend one more year in high school or you can be an out of school youth. Take your pick.
You can see in subway stations how pressured their students are. Stations in school areas have glass doors. These doors only open when the train is already there. This is to make sure that students don't commit suicide. School stations have more suicide incidents than other stations. Inside the trains, there are monitors where they show don't commit suicide advertisements. It is really a big thing there. And when you do get in SNU, you must still study like there's no tomorrow. According to Therese, she thought that she was such a hard-working students but compared to her roommate, she feels so lazy. Koreans literally don't sleep just to study. There are study areas in the dormitory that are open 24 hours. Amazingly, these study areas are almost always full. The study hall of the main library is also open 24 hours and there is a shuttle bus from the library to the subway station until 12mn. Imagine how many students are in the main library until 12mn for the school to provide free transportation. The reason for this is that you cannot just have average grades, it is a must that you have really good grades. According to another friend, if you don't have a GPA of 3.6 out of 4.3 then your name will not be called on your graduation day. You will be able to get your diploma but you won't be able to go on stage or anything. Now, I understand why the parents of students who get to wear "graduation clothes" and hold their diplomas in the stage are just so proud of their children. At first, I thought it was just because they graduated in SNU. What I didn't realize is that the students I'm seeing are all exemplary students. After graduating, there is also the problem of finding a job. Some students who weren't able to find a job before they graduated commit suicides. It is in the Korean culture that students have a job even before they graduate. They must have finished all their requirements on their 2nd to the last semester. Then, they must be working by their last semester in college and taking only a few subjects. So that's why I don't see a lot of seniors loitering around.
Compared to their culture, my upbringing in a Chinese-Filipino environment where there is much emphasis on education as part of pride and financial success is considered measly. The pressure I'm experiencing right now is nothing as compared to what they're going through. To think that mine is already a special case in this already stiff community. Many Koreans have seen the bad effects of their stiff society. These parents send their children to study elementary and high school abroad where they could study english without the pressure and then come back to Korea for university. Many Koreans actually don't want to raise their kids in Korea although they don't want to change their nationalities. I guess they just don't want to see their kids being murdered by the pressures of the society.
Seeing and hearing this firsthand makes me feel disappointed with this generation. The world is forgetting the reason behind education. We must love education. It should not be all about work, it should also be about love for learning. Yes, working after graduation is a must of every students. But with pressures like these, education slowly becomes something that should be feared when in fact, it should be enjoyed. One must love learning and grow, not die because of it. I must admit that I studied ME to have a good future but I also know that I learn for learning's sake and not just because of wanting to have a good job. Let us not forget that learning itself is the real reason for education. This perhaps could make things a little more bearable.
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